Family of Origin

 The Impact of One’s Family of Origin 

Marriage counselors at marriage counseling Ashburn and marriage counseling Vienna VA help couples better understand each other by examining each’s family of origin.  The family we grew up in shaped us and put us on a trajectory that impacts how we interact with our mates. For example, one woman grew up in a home where the mother was in charge and the father was subservient. On the other hand, this woman’s husband grew up in a family where the dad dominated and the mother was subservient.  It is easy to see why such a couple would initially struggle with control in the relationship and decision-making.

Imagine a girl who was raised in a less-than-loving environment.  Her mother was very critical of her and constantly judgmental. This, in turn, caused her to lack confidence through her teenage years and into her adult relationships. In her marriage, what her husband considered normal complaints, she took as personal attacks.  This caused her to “walk on eggshells.” She was very wary of being criticized and became very defensive.  Instead of talking things through, communication dropped off, negatively impacting the marriage. In such a situation, a loving husband would do his best to reassure his wife that he loves her and adjust his behavior to make her feel safe and accepted.

Counselors at marriage counseling Vienna VA and marriage counseling Ashburn examine a couple’s respective family of origin to help clients better understand the historic basis of their behaviors. Such an understanding will not change your relationship in and of itself. It will, however, help highlight what was missing in the other’s childhood and informs how you can each provide for the other today what was missing then (e.g., love, respect, comfort, etc.).

Illustration

Excerpt from the book, “Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy for Dummies,” by Bradley & Furrow

 

Dwight jumped and got angry at Karen every time she shut the door loudly, whether at home or in the car.  “Why did you holler?”  Karen said to Dwight after she shut the door.  “You scared me!”  Scared you?  Dwight said.  “You slammed that door so hard I almost jumped out of my own skin!”  “That doesn’t make sense,” Karen said.  “I didn’t shut the door that loudly.  Who do you    overact so much?”

Dwight shared that his parents often slammed doors when they were fighting.  As a child, he used to sit down on the floor in a corner of his room, gather his toys, and try to be “small and quiet” to escape the sense of fear and anxiety he felt while his parents were fighting.  When he heard doors slamming nearby, he got more afraid because that meant someone was near his bedroom.  When his door would sharply open, usually one of his parents would address him angrily.  He always jumped as a child when that happened.  Now, as an adult, he couldn’t help it.  “My body just jumps and tenses up.,” he said.  “My heart races, like It’s going to burst.  I start breathing fast. I sweat. I tense up like I’m ready to fight an intruder. At this point in my life, it’s just built in I guess. I can’t help it.” 

Karen had no idea about Dwight’s history. As we talked about it, she began to feel empathy for Dwight around this like never before. “I’m so sorry, honey,” she said. “I didn’t know.  I can just see you as a child sitting there afraid. I’ll be more careful. I promise.” 

Marriage counselors at marriage counseling Ashburn and marriage counseling Vienna VA stand ready to help you strengthen your marriage by looking at all aspects of your marital relationship, including your family of origin.