Empathy

 Insight from a “Crabby Old Woman”

Counselors at marriage counseling Ashburn and marriage counseling Vienna VA understand how important empathy is to helping couples emotionally connect to each other. An article published by NASA’s Career Management Office tells the story of an older woman who died in the geriatric ward of a small hospital near Dundee, Scotland. After her death, the nurses went through her belongings and found the poem reproduced below. It is one marriage counseling Ashburn and marriage counseling Vienna VA have used to illustrate what empathy is not in order to assist couples better understand what it is.

What do you see, nurses, what do you see?

What are you thinking when you’re looking at me?

A crabby old woman, not very wise,

Uncertain of habit, with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles her food and makes no reply,

When you say in a loud voice, “I do wish you’d try!”

Who seems not to notice the things that you do,

And forever is losing a stocking or shoe.

Who, resisting or not, lets you do as you will,

With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill...

Is that what you’re thinking? Is that what you see?

Then open your eyes, nurse; you’re not looking at me.

I’ll tell you who I am as I sit here so still,

As I do at your bidding, as I eat at your will.

I’m a small child of ten … with a father and mother,

Brothers and sisters, who love one another.

 

A young girl of sixteen, with wings on her feet,

Dreaming that soon now a lover she’ll meet.

A bride soon at twenty – my heart gives a leap,

Remembering the vows that I promised to keep.

 

At twenty-five now, I have young of my own,

Who need me to guide and secure a happy home.

A woman of thirty, my young now grown fast,

Bound to each other with ties that should last.

At forty, my young sons have grown and are gone,

But my man’s beside me to see I don’t mourn.

At fifty, once more babies play round my knee,

Again we know children, my loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead.

I look at the future, I shudder with dread.

For my young are all rearing young of their own,

And I think of the years and the love that I’ve known.

I’m now an old woman … and nature is cruel;

‘Tis jest to make old age look like a fool.

The body, it crumbles, grace and vigor depart,

There is now a stone where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass a young girl still dwells,

And now and again my battered heart swells.

I remember the joys, I remember the pain,

And I’m loving and living life over again.

I think of the years ... all too few, gone too fast,

And accept the stark fact that nothing can last.

So open your eyes, nurses, open and see,

Not a crabby old woman; look closer, see ME!!

The cry of every heart is to be appreciated for who we are. Receiving or not receiving such recognition marks the difference between the sadness and pain of loneliness and the enjoyment of life. The sense of isolation described in the poem is something couples must also avoid. 

Empathy, by contrast, is the capacity to understand others by accurately reading, interpreting their emotional experience, and articulating it back to them. As it relates to marriage, the more we can relate to our partner’s true thoughts and feelings, the healthier our marriage will be.

Toward this end, counselors at marriage counseling Ashburn and marriage counseling Vienna VA ask couples to answer the following questions:

1.      What does your partner not see or understand about you? 

2.      What might your spouse be surprised to learn about you if s/he really knew you?

3.      What difference would it make to you if your partner was more empathetic?