How Secure Are You in Your Marriage?

 Identify Your Weak Spots

Discuss How You Can Make Your Relationship Stronger

A secure marriage is one where spouses are: (a) readily accessible to each other (i.e., is there when you need him/her), (b) responsive to each other’s emotional needs (including touch, affection, empathy), and (c) actively engage with the other whereby each gives the other their undivided attention. In other words, you make the other feel that s/he matters.

Marriage counselors at Marriage Counseling Vienna VA and Marriage Counseling Herndon know how important a strong attachment is to healthy marriages.  Herndon Marriage Counseling Herndon and Vienna VA Marriage Counseling understand that the weaker the marital bond, the more conflict or avoidance there will be.

To help you in your marriage, use the two tables below to analyze how connected you are as a couple. Then discuss ways to help each other feel happier and more secure in your marriage.

Self-Evaluation

 

1.  I am accessible when my spouse needs me.

__True   __Sometimes   __False

2.  I  make my spouse feel safe and protected.

__True   __Sometimes   __False

3.  I am dependable and trustworthy.

__True   __Sometimes   __False

4.  I understand my spouse.

__True   __Sometimes   __False

5.  Sometimes I empathize with my spouse’s emotions.

__True   __Sometimes   __False

6.  I comfort, soothe, or reassure my spouse as needed

__True   __Sometimes   __False

7.  I am physically affectionate toward my spouse.

__True   __Sometimes   __False

8.  I make my spouse feel that s/he matters and is valued.

__True   __Sometimes   __False

9.  I am responsive to my spouse’s needs

__True   __Sometimes   __False

10.  I show interest in what is going on in my spouse’s life.

__True   __Sometimes   __False

11.  I support my spouse’s personal growth and development.

__True   __Sometimes   __False

12.  I make my spouse feel good about himself/herself.

__True   __Sometimes   __False

       Totals

____       ____       ____

 

    Spouse Evaluation

1.  My spouse is accessible when I need him/her.

__True   __Sometimes   __False

2.  My spouse makes me feel safe and protected.

__True   __Sometimes   __False

3.  My spouse is dependable and trustworthy.

__True   __Sometimes   __False

4.  My spouse understands my spouse.

__True   __Sometimes   __False

5.  My spouse empathizes with my emotions.

__True   __Sometimes   __False

6.  My spouse comforts, soothes or reassures me when I need it.

__True   __Sometimes   __False

7.  My spouse is physically affectionate toward me.

__True   __Sometimes   __False

8.  My spouse makes me feel that I matter and am valued.

__True   __Sometimes   __False

9.  My spouse is responsive to my needs

__True   __Sometimes   __False

10.  My spouse shows interest in what is going on in my life.

__True   __Sometimes   __False

11.  My spouse supports my personal growth and development.

__True   __Sometimes   __False

12.  My spouse makes me feel good about myself.

__True   __Sometimes   __False

       Totals

____       ____       ____

 

KEY: True = Secure Attachment | Sometimes = Insecure Att. | False = Avoidant Att.

Scoring

First, determine to what degree your answers agree.

 

1.     Compare your self-evaluation with your spouse’s evaluation.

2.    Then compare your spouse’s self-evaluation with your evaluation of your spouse. 

Discussion and Action

  1. If your comparisons don’t match up particularly well, discuss why you have interpreted your relationship so differently.  What may you or your spouse be missing?
  2. List the top three actions your spouse can take, and agrees to take, to regularly make you feel more secure in the relationship.
  3. In a two-week time, review the difference these actions have made.  What do you need to continue?  What new actions can you each engage in?

Those engaged in Vienna VA Marriage Counseling Vienna VA, as well as Marriage Counseling Herndon, stand ready to help you as a couple if you require professional assistance to become more securely attached.  Review our web pages to learn more about our approach.

 

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